Guido Sarducci on UFOs

In honour of the shock and horror that Scotland has experienced with its current blizzard (we have 13 of snow on the ground outside our flat) (that was 13 centimeters, not 13 inches), I dug up a transcript of the Father Guido Sarducci’s monologue from Saturday Night Live wherein he touches on the extremely cold weather in Italy and on his theory of flying saucers. I can’t reproduce his accent (I still hear his voice saying, “Renn Bo is-a her nemm”), but at least the words are pretty much here.

The weather has really been something. It’s been cold all over. When I left Rome yesterday, it was two. The fountains were frozen and everything. And that’s Celsius. It’s all the way down to Celsius. In Naples it was only up to ten, and down in Reggio Calabria, home of the Marconi School of Broadcasting, my alma mater, it was twelve. It was a little warmer in Palermo, sixteen in the Conca d’Oro. Up north in Venice, a cold minus two. In the sister city of Trieste, two, too. Over in Milano, it was one degree. Bologna was three. Skies clear in Bologna tonight. A good night for spotting U.F.O.’s — “oofoes” we call them in Italy.
I once saw a UFO near Bologna. I was driving from Assisi on this road here, and it was late at night, and from nowhere there were these two giant white lights and it just zoomed right past me real fast and it just seemed to disappear. It was about ten feet long I would say — real sleek looking — looked a lot like a Corvette. And as soon as it was gone I said to myself, did I see that or not? And you see, that’s what they do to you. They shoot you with something, some kind of ray gun — and it makes you doubt that you saw them. If you think you’ve never seen one, you probably see them all the time.
And after what happened to me, I started carrying my camera with me at all times, just to prove to myself that I’m not hallucinating. Was just a few months ago that I spotted one again. I was in Los Angeles at the home of a friend of mine, Rainbow is her name. Fortunately, I had my camera with me. You can’t tell much from the photo, but it was kind of silvery looking. And it was in the air a long time, just kind of hovering there. And Rainbow says “Listen: all the dogs are barking.” And it was true — all the dogs were barking.
And then it just kind of very slowly drifted away. I had this blow-up made of the UFO. I know what you’re thinking: you think it’s just the Goodyear blimp. That’s what everybody says. But I did some research and called the Goodyear Blimp people and they told me their nearest blimp was miles away from where I spotted this UFO. And that’s when it dawned on me. Don’t you think that if these aliens are smart enough to get here, they’re smart enough to disguise their spaceships as Goodyear Blimps?
Come on — they weren’t born yesterday. They’ve been spying on us like this for years and years. And my research proves that about one out of every five sightings of Goodyear Blimps is actually a flying saucer in disguise. So, don’t take any chances. If you ever see what you think is the Goodyear Blimp, call the police, call the mayor of your town, call the president, even call your senators – you can never tell.

Saturday Night Live, February 24, 1979

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